Halloween Week: Halloween: H20

Hello there all and welcome back to Halloween Week. Well it is time. The time in which I speak of is to basically ignore all avenues of 4, 5, and even 6 as they did not appear relevant in regards to this upcoming chapter in the Myers saga. Now that the pesky Jamie has been removed from the franchise... horrifically I might add, we get back to the lone survivor of the first two Halloweens. Laurie Strode. "But Jake, she died in a car accident leaving Jamie all alone to fend for herself against her insane uncle,." Nay, horror fan boys and girls, for it appears in the grand scheme of plot point that she faked her death in order to hide from Michael and raise her other child. This is Halloween: H20.

Yarrrgh, there be a slasher on port!

Marion Chambers (Nancy Stephens of Charlie's Angels, Barnaby Jones, Panic in Echo Park, Halloween, Halloween II and A Time for Dancing), the late Doctor Loomis's nurse and colleague has had her house in Illinois broken into as her neighbors' kids go and search the house to find nothing but a few things trashed. Satisfied with that respond she goes and sorts what happened as her medical files have been rummaged through, specifically Laurie Strode's old files. When she goes to check on the hockey hooligans they are all sprawled dead on the couch and she herself gets her throat slit by Michael.

Since 1988, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis of The Fog, Terror Train, Prom Night, Halloween II, A Fish Called Wanda, Forever Young, True Lies and NCIS) has hidden herself and her infant son of one year after Jamie was born in California. With accredited academics and forged documents she has re-emerged as Keri Tate, a respected headmistress of a posh private school in California where she attempts to keep her life together for the sake of her son John (Josh Hartnett of The Faculty, Blow Dry, Pearl Harbor, Blackhawk Down, 40 Days and 40 Nights and 30 Days of Night) who has grown distant from her as he does not approve of her functioning alcoholism and prescription pill popping. As this is a result of surviving that Halloween night of more than 20 people butchered at the hands of her brother, you can understand how she may be a little edgy every Halloween but the boy wants to hang with his girlfriend on the camping trip. 

 When that is a bust the teen gang decides to remain on campus for a private party of their own. Molly (Michelle Williams of Dawson's Creek, A Thousand Acres, Dick, But I'm a Cheerleader and Me Without You), John's girlfriend agrees with a couple other friends that they will sneak around to the campus and get their drink and fornication on!!! Hey, trying to keep it PG-13 here.

Tee hee, we're toast.

With everyone away for the holidays, out on the camping trip and in general enjoying time away from school the campus is as still as a tomb. Laurie/Keri thinks she is hallucinating as she swears she saw Michael stalking her throughout the day. Confessing to her colleague/boyfriend Will (Adam Arkin of Chicago Hope, 8 Simple Rules, The West Wing, Baby Bob and Hitch) that she is not who she claims to be, about Michael and all the horror of that night, he takes it surprisingly well. Me, I think I need more than a fade wipe to mull my thoughts over this new info.

No sooner as the night fallen that Michael is on the prowl, dispatching a few guards, groundskeeper and personnel left and right that Laurie must dig down deep and take Michael head to head for the sake of her son's life and possibly her sanity. Will Laurie defeat Michael after so many have tried and failed? Will she ever have a normal life again? Will John be as messed up as anyone else associated with the Myers bloodline?

A few comments of trivia about this film in a moment. I had a slight rant to this particular film. While this screen treatment feels like you should be ignoring anything that happened from 4 and on they really kept pushing the envelope in reminding you of the first two films with lifting dialogue uttered by Donald Pleasence during the latter opening credit sequence after the first 4 deaths to using the line, "Well it's Halloween. I guess everyone is entitled to one good scare." My biggest bee in my bonnet (Other than what ass put me in a bonnet) is the lack of continuity already established by the last three movies and how this film seemed almost like we should sweep those movies under the rug. Other reviewers speculate it is a divergent or alternative timeline from the other movies. Frankly, just point out Laurie wanted a boy and not a girl, faked her death and went off to live out the days with her son. See? No mystery and maybe a bad parent story line in the wings.

So we have cliches' like horror movie characters watching a horror movie during our film, reminding you there may be better flicks out there I am guessing or that this is all Sam Raimi and Wes Craven's fault for starting this trend in horror movies. Initially, Jamie Lee Curtis wanted to work with John Carpenter for H20 but he declined due to lack of interest in the existing project any longer. Of the unmentioned alumni of this movie I must not forget the original scream queen Janet Leigh, L.L.Cool J, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jodi Lyn O' Keefe. Not a bad flick but I have to say not one of my favorites of the franchise.

Ever been with a scream queen, baby?

Halloween Week: Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

Well, howdy folks and welcome back for Day 3 of Halloween Week. Sit right down and I will attempt to recap thus far. After the second film's climatic end and both Loomis and Myers set ablaze, Loomis was scarred but alive while Myers lay in a coma for ten years, animated after being indirectly informed he had a niece Jame alive and well. A few choice encounters with her that year and the next, left Loomis and Haddonfield's Sheriff department bewildered and taken both Michael and Jamie our of the public's eye. Our sixth incarnation had a rocky road to cross given the re-writes, title changes, edited versions and the unfortunate passing of Donald Pleasence. This is Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.

Yikes, they will never get the stain of mashed mime out of that wall.

Six years after the police station's fire and her abduction by the "Man in Black" (Cue Johnny Cash) Jamie Lloyd (J.C. Brandy of Wolf, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Kindred: The Embraced, Dogstar and Promethus Bound) is alive and birthing a child in some secluded underground shelter lit with more candles than a Hammer film or Sting video combined. No sooner is the child sexed and cleaned these cultists/followers take the baby away, somehow Michael is on the move in this dank, subterranean recess slaughtering these cult members left and right like it's his own personal abbatoir. The midwife nurse wraps Jamie's baby, placing the child in Jamie's arms and demanding she run for both their lives... ya know right after an agonizing child birth scene. Not even a lie down or Tylenol for this gal. Strength!

Fleeing in a stolen pickup (Still, like her uncle no one had gotten around to giving her driving lessons) when she makes it to a bus station that appears to be off duty and yet all the doors are unlocked. While all this is going on a DJ on local radio has been mocking Haddonfield's ban on Halloween and Michael Myers bringing every nutter butter to the phone lines that Jamie uses a payphone as a desperate last chance call out to Doctor Loomis. Hiding the baby in the ladies, she pulls the old fake baby in the blankets to throw Michael off the scent for more than 5 blocks and is horribly murdered for it.

Gen-X parents have it rough.

Oh, do not act all shocked. This guy killed his big sister, tried to murder his little sister and mutilated and butchered more than 15 to 20 people per movie. Of the many callers is a grown up Tommy Doyle (Paul Rudd of Clueless, Overnight Delivery, 200 Cigarettes, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, The Ex, Night at the Museum and Knocked Up) survivor the first Halloween is convinced that Myers is still alive and someone is attempting to harness his strength while Doctor Loomis (Donald Pleasence) is retired after all this time only to be called in on the mess that was Jamie and a burn mark is placed on the nearby barn which Loomis nonchalantly explains it is Michael's mark (the one we have NEVER SEEN until the 5^th movie).

Meanwhile at Michael's former home resides the late Jamie and Laurie's family on the Strode side... these people were around and couldn't adopt Jamie. Just seems odd. As he had a psychic link to Jamie, perhaps he is tuning in to her son Tommy has named Steven. Conversing with Kara Strode (Marianne Hagan of I Think I Do, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers, Dinner and a Movie and Stake Land) Tommy tells her of the danger her family is in if Michael is back. Following the astrological end of things correlated with the events of each Myers attack with a constellation of Thorn (Rune of Icelandic or early Norse turned symbol of sacrifice but actually it means the or that) it seems to give the bearer of the mark near superhuman strength, fortitude and healing as its appointed task means to deplete one family in the village for the good of said village. 

 Someone or some force has been guiding Michael all this time as far back as a 5 year old boy something always whispering in his ear that insists he slaughter his sister.

Will this curse continue to Steven? Can Tommy and Doctor Loomis put a final end to Michael? What of the Cult of Thorn? Hey, where are my pants?

And now a teensy bit of trivia. There are more than three different releases of this movie due to the eleven drafts. The neutered VHS later DVD 89 min has the most gore but the least amount of continuity. The producer's cut has unfinished dailies spliced into the final cut and is more coherent. The alternative version has Tommy arranging runes as an impromptu ward or barrier to keep Michael end leaving the cult stuck with this maniac while Tommy, Kara, Danny and the baby escape leaving Dr. Loomis to face the head of the cult and Michael all alone as his request.

No official copy of the Producer's Cut has been released still but the bootlegs are out there and still the most impressive tie-in to the franchise and giving the saga an even purer evil as Carpenter briefly explained.

OOoOoo.. bet she has a pipe or 2 x 4 to bonk me with.  Pathetic.

Halloween Week: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

Welcome back for Day 2 of Halloween Week and boy that last one was... eh, it wasn't terrible. I have certainly seen worse in my 4 years of reviewing that is to be certain. So lets dive right in the shallow end for some splintered bones, shall we? One year after the events of Halloween 4, Michael Myers fell down a substantial and plot point conveniently placed mine shaft that the camera work would have you believe was bottomless and little Jamie in a fit of terror accidentally stabbed her foster mother wearing her clown costume giving it that circle of horror feel. Taking on her uncle's legacy if you will. This is Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers.

Honey, don't play with crazy men.

Jamie (Danielle Harris of The Wild Thornberrys, Debating Robert Lee, Halloween, Left for Dead, Fear Clinic, Hatchet II, Stake Land and The Victim) is now mute and withdrawn from normal child behavior (Can't imagine why!!!) and Doctor Loomis (Donald Pleasence of Halloween, Centennial, Dracula, Halloween II, Alone in the Dark, Warrior Queen and Ten Little Indians) keeps a watchful eye on her, convinced that the evil that is her uncle has not been vanquished.

Believed to be dead, Michael (Stuntman/actor Don Shanks of The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Halloween 5, Spirit of the Eagle, Wind Dancer, Ride with the Devil, Twice Today and Death House) escapes from the mine shaft and washes up on the nearby shore from the river. A friendly hermit helps Michael to his cabin where he lays for a year to heal and recoup and rewards the hermit with an affectionate murder. Jamie forced to stay in the psychiatric ward has exhibited signs of having a empathic or possibly telepathic link to her quite insane uncle. Ah, yes the psychic link to the killer chestnut. Gosh, where could I have heard that one before? (coughs Silent Night Deadly Night III, In Dreams, Hideaway, Split Second) and Loomis is trying desperately to convince Sheriff Meeker (Beau Starr of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Speed, Due South, Prisoner of Love, Shadow Hours and The Golden Spiders: A Nero Wolfe Mystery) that Myers is in fact alive and heading to town yet again. Now in the Sheriff's defense he is still in office after his entire staff minus two deputies were slaughtered in his own office, coupled with the loss of his daughter that it could be argued that grief has him conflicted but you would also think he would take Loomis at his word.

Zombie Shatner??!!  Oh wait, it's just Michael.

With visits from her foster sister Rachel (Ellie Cornell of Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Gabriel's Fire, Free Enterprise, The Specials, House of the Dead, All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos, The Darkroom, The Thirst and Dead Calling) Jamie almost feels normal when she sees the future of Rachel being attacked by Michael and tries to warn her when her doctors feel she is being hysterical and having a fit. Rachel sees Jamie off and heads out when she is murdered by Michael by having a pair of scissors thrust in the chest. Ouch. No sooner that murder when he stalks Rachel and Jamie's mutual friend Tina (Wendy Foxworth of Guiding Light, My Two Dads, Police Story: Monster Manor, Alien Nation and Blood Deep). 

 Meeker and Loomis attempt to put a plan together to capture Michael or destroy him outright. With elements of the previous gags, Michael replaces a boyfriend and proceeds to go back on his killing spree at the same time Jamie regains her speech. She and her friend Billy escape the ward in search of Tina. Will Loomis and Meeker be able to stop Myers or be caught in the wake of his murderous rage?

A few bits of trivia about the film at this time. An alternative opening for the movie was the hermit finding Michael's body and was to be shown and removing his mask gawking at it and his scarred face but the ultimate decision was to cut it for time.

KNB EFX has designed facial makeup for Myers looking scarred from the fire and producers wasn't sure to show the detailed look or put it in the shadows. KNB went for the latter saving them time to work on more gore effects.

Thanks to the MPAA the film was fighting off an X rating due to the violence, blood and gore that was all prevalent in Halloween 4 yet somehow a year later it was too gory so some scenes had to be trimmed back and neutering some of KNB's finer work of quivering bodies, a face plant through a windshield and Billy's leg mashed by the Camero. Man the MPAA can really ruin a flick. Don Shanks played both Myers and the mysterious Man in Black. The car chase sequence was shot entirely all that night. Poor Ellie Cornell is in the film of all of 20 minutes. Kind of a bummer for a return.

Hmm, pulse seems thready.

Halloween Week: Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Greetings and hello to Day 1 of Halloween Week. As previously mentioned but heck I am not above a recap, I will not be tackling Halloween 3: Season of the Witch due to its lack of involvement with the original series. That being said let us journey ten years after the first massacre with Michael Myers and Doctor Sam Loomis's last confrontation ending in an explosion of compressed oxygen and fire. Leaving Doctor Loomis scarred from the burns and Michael a vegetable. What threat could Myers represent now? This is Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers.

Look what this franchise is doing to me!!

With Michael inert and kept alive intravenously at Richmond Mental Institute, he is being transferred to Smith's Grove, when he is awaken from listening to the guards and transfer crew exposition about Myers being an uncle but his sister Laurie Strode dying in a car accident. Stirring from his bonds he dispatches his pickup crew and kills the driver causing the ambulance to flip and crash. Michael (stuntman George P. Wilbur of Die Hard, The Silence of the Lambs, Casino and Spider-Man) after 10 years of being bed ridden just must have sauntered on out and heads for the nearest gas station. Having heard this predicament, Dr. Loomis (Donald Pleasence of Dracula, Escape from New York, A Breed Apart, Django 2, Prince of Darkness and Halloween 5) head to the area and tracks Michael down at the gas station finding more than a few corpses, he pleads with Michael to take his life instead of haunting Haddonfield yet again. Michael leaves Dr. Loomis in a burning building he narrowly escapes from, his car totaled he needs a lift for the showdown in Haddonfield.

Don't think the mask is set right.

Michael's niece, Jamie (Dannelle Harris of Halloween 5, Marked for Death, Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead, Roseanne, Halloween, Hatchet II and Hatchet III) has terrifying dreams about a man in a jumpsuit and mask for no real explained reason but it does frighten her. Her foster parents are attempting their best to raise her but they still cannot connect with her. Halloween night and they are heading out to socialize leaving their daughter Rachel (Ellie Cornell of Married to the Mob, Halloween 5, Free Enterprise, House of the Dead, The Specials, All Souls Day: Dia de los Muertos and Dead Calling) who has to put off her date with her boyfriend Brady (Sasha Jenson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dazed and Confused, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Grind) who as a teenage boy gets pissed and grumbly. Naturally he needs consoling and that of course can only be found in the arms and breasts of the slightly easy Sheriff's daughter Kelly (Kathleen Kinmont of Winners Take All, Nightforce, Rush Week, Midnight, Bride of Re-Animator and Renegade) but enough about whiny pansy boy and jiggly girl!

Loomis makes it to the Sheriff's office demanding to speak to Sheriff Brackett, which Loomis is informed he retired early 8 years ago after losing his daughter to Michael's bloody mayhem and Sheriff Beeker (Beau Starr of Relentless, Halloween 5, True Blue, Speed, Due South and The Golden Spiders: A Nero Wolfe Mystery) tells him he is in no mood for that kind of dredging. Loomis is adamant about 6 bodies thus far and God only knows how many to follow. Meeker takes Loomis at his word in spite of Myers has been out of the slashing game for 10 years.

Will Meeker, his men and Loomis be able to put a stop to Myers before his body count goes double if not triple digit? Do they have a contingency plan? Is Jamie in grave danger?

Okay now just a few comments to make on the movie. Aside from 3 schlock straight-to-video features, director Dwight H. Little (The Phantom of the Opera, Marked for Death, Rapid Fire, Millennium, The Practice, Prison Break, Nikita and Bones) was tackling an existing franchise of which had to be a bit nerve wracking but created a fairly eerie opening sequence giving a vibe of Halloween itself and all the harvest content around it.

Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Explains It All, Drive Me Crazy, Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Melissa & Joey) auditioned for the role of Jamie but to no fault of her own was deemed not the right girl with... ear drum rupturing screams. The original script called for the explosion sequence of the second movie and was going to show Loomis on fire but thrown from the overall ordeal but it was decided (Budget!!) that they did not want any connection to the predecessor films... the ones that this film is based on. Moving on the girl Lindsey who drove Rachel and Jamie to the discount mart was to be revealed as Lindsey Wallace from Halloween 1, making her a babysitter and was going to have a much larger role but again the dreaded budget monster appeared.

John Carpenter wrote a treatment for the film giving it a more ghastly psychological approach to the film on what impact the previous two films had on the town of Haddonfield and its inhabitants but the producers were more for the typical slasher fanfare and Carpenter walked away from the movie making this the first film of the series that had no participation from him at all. Can't blame him. Again not a bad movie but so much was left up in the air for fans to postulate rather than have seen.  

Brady's Krav Maga lesson goes horribly wrong.

Halloween Week

Hello there all and welcome back to the blog. Well given Halloween is this weekend, it seems fitting and fair to continue the dark path of the season as we continue the saga of that notorious slasher Michael Myers. As you may already be aware, I have reviewed both the original Halloween and its first sequel so we will be picking up where the series renewed itself.

Where the hell is my car??!!!

After the profuse bashing by critics of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch I shan't be reviewing it because it is a separate story from the first two and while I myself feel it deserves love for its entertaining values it does not relate to the continuation of the Myers story. Tragic really. It is a clever story. We will of course be starting up with the fourth sequel and going forward.

Enjoy, my readers.

I know, you hate this mask.

Linnea Quigley Week: Night of the Demons

Welcome to Day 5 of Linnea Quigley Week and I thought we would end of a schlocky horror film that was the staple of the 80's as it is all because of those pesky teenagers yet again. Yes, according to horror, teenagers open portals to Hell, raise the dead and invoke the wrath of serial slashers and today's film is no exception. Imagine a plucky bunch of youngsters wanting to party, get wasted and laid. But where to go? Why the abandoned mortuary of course. Guess cemeteries and lakes by the cabins of a camp of ill repute were too far away for these kids. This is Night of the Demons.

Possession or huffed paint fumes?

Director Kevin Tenney (Witchboard, Witchtrap, Peacemaker, Witchboard 2 and Tick Tock) teams up with the literary prose of Joe Augustyn (Night of the Demons, Night Angel, Night of the Demons 2 and Exit) to concoct... okay I am sorry but I cannot blow sunshine up about this movie because my brain is still reeling from the absurdity I just saw.

Our band of teens feel it is clearly time to partay and what better setting than a house rumored to be cursed? This was their thinking. Sound of mind clearly. Stooge (Hal Havins of Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Night of the Demons, Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael and Life), Helen (Allison Barron of Gidget's Summer Reunion, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Patriot Games and The Other Woman) and Rodger (Alvin Alexis of The Wiz, The Brother from Another Planet, Sweet Liberty and Mixing Nia) all are invited to our seemingly poor lit house of damnation for a party thrown by social train wreck Angela (Amelia Kinkade of Misfits of Science, My Best Friend Is a Vampire, Road House, Night of the Demons 2 and Night of the Demons III) and her bestie Suzanne (Linnea Quigley of Robot Ninja, Guyver, Blood Church, Vampire Hunter, Burial of the Rats and Hollywood Cops) for Halloween so yes expect many cliches.

No, I do not want to play doctor, perv.

No sooner is the beer flowing and the brain cells evaporating do the kids get the brilliant idea of hosting a seance in their party. Judy (Cathy Podewell of Dallas, Night of the Demons, Earth Angel and Unmatched) her boyfriend Jay (Lance Fenton of Highway to Heaven, The Fulfillment of Mary Gray, Heathers and Night of the Demons) buddy Max (Voice over actor Philip Tanzini of Command & Conquer: Red Alert 2, Emeperor: Battle for Dune, Invader ZIM, Static Shock and Dead Rising) and Frannie (Jill Terashita of The Big Bet, Dirty Laundry, Night of the Demons, Terminal Entry and Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland) are not overly keen on this idea but reluctantly give into peer pressure. MISTAKEEEEEEE!!! No sooner has the game began, Helen sees a wicked and vile presence in the mirror before it shatters unleashing a demon trapped in this very cremetorium and attaches itself to Suzanne, who passes it on to Angela. Besties!! After the disturbing content of the game, several of the party goers try to leave the house but to no avail as doors seem sealed, windows disappear and all Hell seems to be breaking about.

Will our younglings be able to escape? Must they do battle with the demon and her minions?

Okay a few quick tidbits on the film now.

Our brilliant tagline for this film was: Angela is having a party, Jason and Freddy are too scared to come. But You'll have a hell of a time. Implying that Vorhees and Kruger were milksops and terrified at Angela's awestruck powers that became vague and lacking full explanation. Linnea Quigley had to come in to set prior her co-stars and practice... wait for it... eye-gouging. Yeah I know not one you expect but there it is. Produced for a modest 1.2 million it managed to clear and earn 3.1 million in return due to the limited screen release. With the standards of horror films, I think it would have cleared at least 13 if not 15 million on a national release but that is because of all the elements attached to our picture. A fair amount of realistic gore and gasp, nudity in it as well? Don't they know to give it a PG-13 and then an Unrated release? This took about four weeks and to be fair the goofs in continuity are not as bad as most reviewers would like you to believe.

Frannie and Max made their way into a coffin quite nude but at the end of the flick they were clothed and it didn't make sense for them to suddenly think, "Yeah better put clothes on." One camera pan past a pane glass window did reveal the crew for a few seconds but again over all well lit for the creep factor and this is not a blood caked on the walls horror film but it is unintentionally goofy.   

Goth Girl Gone Crackers!

Linnea Quigley Week: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Welcome back for Day 4 of Linnea Quigley Week and apparently I have angered the cinema deities be not talking up Michael Caine's Alfie since I have be lumped with YET ANOTHER Fred Olen Ray movie. Worry not for me fair readers, I shall wage through the quagmire of tripe and hold my head high. Well we have a cankerous sore of a B-movie dark comedy horror awaiting us so we can't put it off any longer. Linnea Quigley given second billing in our wondrous film feature.

This is Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.

Sorority initiations are rough!

Our scintillating tale begins around a tawdry bar infested with some sort of prostitution racket. With a narrative of our L.A. private investigator Jack Chandler (Jay Richardson of Terror Night, Out of Time, Brothers in Arms, L.A. Heat, Terminal Force and Witchcraft II: The Temptress) a seedy detective minutes away from being evicted from his office, apartment and life when he is hired to find a runaway Samantha (Linnea Quigley of The Return of the Living Dead, Night of the Demons, Hollywood Cops, Boogie Boy, Death Mask, The Killer Eye and Animals) who may have gotten mixed up in more than shenanigans (hi-jinks not the restaurant franchise) and is hot on the case... and by that I mean slobs around and looks for clues and harasses people with his whiskey laden breath.

Yeah, I'm drunk. So what?

After a bit of haggling, pounding the pavement and actually using his eyes he secludes to a dive of a bar that seems to have abducted Penthouse Pets for their "entertainment". Seriously, the bar does not get much clientele that seems interested in bar snacks, booze or chicken wings. Rumors on the street is that a gang of prostitutes may be in league with a satanic cult that sacrifices the johns and keeps the loot, cars and other possessions. The leader of this nefarious death cult is simply known as the Stranger (Gunnar Hansen of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Demon Lover, Hellblock 13, Rachel's Attic, Witchhunter and The Deepening) who insists dismembering the hookers' clients is far more profitable than having repeating customers. Can Jack get Samantha out of this bloody bordello of baddies or end up the next one on the chopping block?

As you may have guessed it this is YET ANOTHER blatant excuse for full front nudity, girls contorting and writhing about and copious amounts of gore. Only highlight was the chainsaw dance because they were actual saws going with Quigley dancing about.

A few comments about our "movie" now.

Our movie was shot in about five and a half days. It took over seven hours to paint Linnea Quigley's body for her Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws number. The original UK video release was not allowed to have the word chainsaw in the title, so the video cover has the words Hollywood Hookers with a large silhouette of a chainsaw in between. Baffling ain't it?

Grownup enough for ya, mister?

Linnea Quigley Week: The Return of the Living Dead

Good day and welcome to Day 3 of Linnea Quigley Week and yes you have all been waiting for this particular movie. I have managed to avoid it rather well in spite of all the zombie genre I have been subjected to in the last 4 years but... I knew this day would come. With it being Linnea Quigley's breakout role into the realms of Horror and Sci-fi, it had to happen. What say we sit through a black comedy/horror thanks to writer John Russo (Night of the Living Dead, The Booby Hatch, Midnight and Voodoo Dawn) and director Dan O' Bannon (Blood Bath, The Return of the Living Dead and Shatterbrain) bringing us a pop culture cliche of the sentence, "BRAAAAAINS!" This is The Return of the Living Dead.

Youth splayed!

Zombie: SPOILEEEERS!

Our story opens in Louisville Kentucky via medical supplies depot with our lead foreman Frank (James Karen of All My Children, Wall Street, Mulholland Drive and The Pursuit of Happyness) is breaking in his new employee Freddy (Thom Mathews of Jason Lives: Friday the 13^th Part VI, Return of the Living Dead II, Bloodmatch, Mean Guns and Sorcerers) as Freddy accidently breaks up a pressured cannister chamber with a dead man and unknown substance from a barrel reanimates the corpse. Luring it into the meat locker they try to get ahold of the boss Burt (Clu Gulager of The Tall Man, The Virginian, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, Teen Vamp and Killing Device) and the three of them get the idea to kill the brain. You know, like that zombie movie Night of the Living Dead... wink.

Grr... Moving right along let's get down with the street gang that knows Freddy. This highly believable collection of punks are threatening food courts galore but need a place to hang and party. Naturally the abandoned cemetery is an excellent start. Our punks Trash (Linnea Quigley of Creepozoids, Night of the Demons, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, Hollywood Cops and Death Mask), Spider (Miguel A Nunez Jr of Friday the 13^th Part IV: A New Chapter, Street Fighter, Carnosaur 2, The Faculty and A Thin Line Between Love and Hate) Scuz (Brian Peck of Like Father Like Son, Return of the Living Dead II, Growing Pains, Angel 4: Undercover and Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest) Chuck (John Philbin of Children of the Corn, The Return of the Living Dead, Point Break and Tombstone) and Casey (Jewel Shepard of The Return of the Living Dead, Hollywood Hot Tubs 2: Educating Crystal and Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom) are all gallivanting it up in the cemetery and night did not simply fall as it crashed.

MAMIE!!!

Our three collective heads of knuckle get the bright idea to burn the chemically saturated body at the crematorium which releases the toxic gas into the air causing an acid rain right next to the cemetery. Betcha you can't guess what side effects it has???

Our punks get coated in the acid rain and attacked by zombies in search of... yup brains. Trash is snared in the mud by several zombies as they start to munch on her shapely body. Gosh, minutes ago she was stating the worst way to die was being feasted upon by really old guys. Hmm, coincidence? Our punks team up with Burt's crew as the night of horrors swings into high gear. Police responding to calls in the neighborhood get overthrown by the zombies and added to the collective. Can anything be done? Will the military intercede? What is the secret of the Yeti??

A few comments about the flick now.

To avoid the X-rating of Quigley buck bare in the cemetery, O'Bannon adamant about how that will not go over well with a TV version they sent her to be shaved bare. Deemed even worse the costume department gave her a g-string with almost bozo colored fur. Yes genitals was the issue apparently. No naughty bits!!

With the satirical take on Romero's Dead movies and a budget of 4 million, our film managed to gross $14,237,000 dollars. A ten million dollar profit on a schlock horror film is not unheard of.

Some of the zombie extras were paid more for to eat real calf brains. O' Bannon didn't want the actors to do anything his wasn't prepared to do and ate some raw calf brains in front of them. Dedicated or disgusting, the guy sticks to his guns.

Okay so which one of us will be bait... Guys???

Linnea Quigley Week: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Hello all and greetings to Day 2 Linnea Quigley Week and this one is more of a holly jolly film but still apt in the horror genre. This film is the first of a loosely convoluted franchise. Its original intent was probably not to creating a series of sequels. With seasonal themed motif horror movies on the rise since John Carpenter's Halloween, a trend throughout the 80's that builds up throughout the years and this is no exception.

Deemed by Siskel & Ebert as a travesty of modern film made a protest to convince viewers to avoid this movie read the writer (Paul Caimi of Silent Night, Deadly Night and Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2) the director (Charles E. Sellier Jr. Of Silent Night, Deadly Night, Snowballing and The Annihilators) and the producer (Ira Barmak of Rosenthal and Jones, The Other Side of Victory, Mason, Silent Night, Deadly Night and Hotel Colonial) trying to shame the lot of them and only intriguing the horror crowd. This is Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Stop fidgeting, you are on Santa's... sack.

With taglines like: If "A Nightmare on Elm Street" gave you sleepless nights, or if "Halloween made you jump in every shadow or if every "Friday the 13^th" was more frightening that the others... THEN BEWARE! Yeah methinks a bit big for the britches but what the heck maybe we will see something out of this.

So a young boy travels with his mother, father and baby brother to see their grandfather (Will Hare of The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman, The Electric Horseman, The Rose, Back to the Future and Mob Queen) in a psychiatric ward/full-care hospital. Father, mother and baby head with Grandpa's doctor when Grandpa tells 5 year old Billy (Johnathan Best of Silent Night, Deadly Night, The Legend of Wolf Mountain, Daniel, The Story of Ruth, Solomon and Jesus, the Song of God) that Santa will punish those he deems naughty so for God's sake be good... then he shuts right back up after delivering that bit of exposition. The ride back home leads our family on the road to a Santa on the side of the road only to be killed with Billy running away to hide.

Get outta here, hippy!

3 years later both Billy and his brother Ricky are made to live in an Catholic orphanage keeping quiet to himself his Mother Superior (Lilyan Chauvin of Falcon Crest, Listen to Me, Death Doll, Predator 2 and Universal Soldier) who is relentless in that Billy give up this ridiculous loathing of Santa... a mythic character that has NO relation to Catholicism whatsoever but I digress. There until the age of 18, Billy (Robert Brian Wilson of Santa Barbara, Dynasty, Perfect Strangers, Generations and Gunsmoke: The Last Apache) is placed in a job at a toy store but the nagging holiday is on the rise, no one at the orphanage bothers to tell the shop owner of Billy's troubled youth and thrusts him into a Santa suit. Billy struggles with this as he doesn't want to disappoint his boss but the inner demons are on the rise.

Only after a co-worker attempts a rape on another he snaps and kills him. The girl screams, calls him a psycho (after she was saved) and Billy dispatches her next leading to a killing spree as he treks through Los Angeles back to the orphanage to no doubt gack Mother Superior. Being Christmas Eve, the police force is spread all over town on the search for Billy. Well, that is all fine and good Jake but where in the nine hells is Linnea Quigley??!!! Okay, hold your horses already!

Diddling each other on a pool table at a nearby house is flimsy pretty boy Tommy (Leo Geter of No Way Out, Near Dark, Eisenhower & Lutz, FM, The President's Child and Slaughter of the Innocents) and bubbly Denise (Linnea Quigley of Vice Academy, Witchtrap, Sexbomb, Virgin High, Guyver and Beach Babes from Beyond) was down to her panties when all of the sudden... there rose such a clatter. Quigley sprang up to see what was the matter. Still topless reeking of smut, she almost took an ax right in the gut. Darting away from the loon, she got lifted up like a cartoon. Skewered on a pair of horns, her fella was chucked through a window out of scorn.

Will Billy continue his rampage of blood? Will the cops catch him in time? Could he be reasoned with?

Now, just a bit of trivia of the movie at this time. Thanks to the brilliant distributors, our horror film was showing ads for the film in the afternoon apparently terrifying kids galore and caused an uproar with angry parents picketing local theaters left and right and raising a fairly big stink about ads of Santa Claus carrying a ax with murder on his mind. Parents protesting depictions of ax murder Santa caused distributors to yank the film from theaters after pocketing a nice profit from a limited release.

The ax that gets driven in the wall Linnea Quigley was leaning against was real and barely missed her. With a degree of nudity, sexual situations, a light amount of gore similar to the early Friday the 13^th sequels provides a decent set of scares, violence and not too shabby story. With the creepy song on every other radio, "Santa's Watching" leaves the hairs on the neck up and proper bothered.

So Sister, have you been naughty?

Linnea Quigley Week: Don't Go Near the Park

Howdy doodly doo to Day 1 of Linnea Quigley Week. As she has had 35 years of the B movie racket it is only fair we start her off with a feature she just got a quick cast into the role. Today's movie has dark content, an actual clever story, some gore and even a dash of human emotion, yet still regarded as a B-movie but also a cult classic. How could it both you ask? Seriously you are asking me that? This.. this kind of thing happens quite frequently.

Due to its graphic (though hardly realistic) violence depicted it hails from Great Britian's Video Nasty ban list. This is Don't Go Near the Park a.k.a. Curse of the Living Dead, Nightstalker, Sanctuary of Evil and Don't Go in the Woods... Alone!

Seizure cam!!

Our film opens with terrifying xylophone soundtrack and a handwritten text crawl informing us that many millennia ago, people found the secret to eternal youth by combining a mixture of herbs and plants, a ritual and then devouring human flesh would allow the cannibals to rejuvenate their own bodies by siphoning the youth of their victims. Mary Kay wish they had this formula and packaged in a disturbing pink organs box set.

The plot seems a bit jumbled but as your faithful researcher and writer I shall do my level best to make all become clear. Two cannibals Gar (Crackers Phinn a.k.a. Robert Cribbin of S.W.A.T. , Hitch Hike to Hell, Teen Lust and Dallas) and Tra (Barbara Monker a.k.a. Barbara Bain of Richard Diamond, Private Detective, Mission:Impossible, Savage, Space:1999, Alien Attack and Forget Me Not) from a tribe of cannibals have angered a witch who cursed them with eternal life. However, when hitting at the 12,000 year mark they must find a virgin descended from the tribe and sacrifice her to lift the curse. Their mom is a bit cranky. So to retain their youth throughout the centuries they must consume human organs to replenish the spent years and in the long term they are solving overpopulation and just saying no to botox.

Man, the Mormons are getting pushy.

Finding a suitable mate for such takes time, careful study or just a random bump into the first blonde you see. Enter Linnea Quigley (Summer Camp, Graduation Day, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Return of the Living Dead, Creepozoids, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers and Witchtrap) billed as Bondi's Mother. Third billing in a movie neither Barbara Bain or Robert Cribbin wanted to admit they were in. Using his dark Sith mind powers he just impregnates Bondi's Mother against her will and re-writes her memories as it was her idea and a great one at that. Shotgun wedding and labor just flies by to the birth and moving on to the great ritual. Is Bondi's Mother even needed any more? What of the child? Why was Barbara Bain in this stink nugget?

Just a few comments on our celluloid of crap.

Filming at location of Griffith Park in the Bronson Caves (AGAIN!!!) our huge stretch of land is spliced with a few rural areas to give the cannibals cover for all their dastardly deeds of damnation. The FX on a shoe string budget provided white flesh foam rubber painted but not molded with a heat gun that apparently these cannibals have the strength of 10 men as they tear open flesh with their bare fingers and the organs are clearly animal. My guess would be pig or lamb for the size basis.

Anyone that disagrees or confronts them may succumb to their Cannibal Optic Blast!!! Yeah I am not even making that up. Primate Cyclops offensive skills. X-Cro-magnons unite!! Little protruding fore-headed guy in a stone and stick wheelchair leading them about on adventures through time and space. Can't wait to see primate Wolverine and Nightcrawler next. Well folks, if you haven't gathered it by now I needed my Czech Republic gas mask to finish this turkey.

Likes my steaks really rare.

Linnea Quigley Week

Welcome and hello to the week. I would like to apologize for George A. Romero Week cut short by two movies. I had some sort of flu bug and well it was difficult to stay at the computer due to it and we shall leave it at that. This week I am cooking with gas and all is well so I do not anticipate any hiccups on the horizon.

Ow, you are on my toe.

This week is devoted to horror films of various degree and grade. Yes, we could have some foul odor that may never go away and perhaps some forgotten gems of the genre. Anything is possible in this write-up. I could be accosted by naked clowns wielding crossbows in the next couple of minutes, for example but again highly unlikely. This week focuses on an unusual career path that stuck within the Horror and Sci-fi dopples of film and never moved on.

Our subject has been called the Mama of the Macbre, the Harlot of the Horror Cons and America's Scream Queen. Interviewed for the book "Invasion of the B-Girls" by Jewel Shepard, our 5'2" titan of terror has been a good girl, bad girl, tart, bad ass and victim of circumstance and ranked #9 on Maxim's "Hottest Women of Horror Movies". She adheres to a strict vegan diet, does animal rights charities our lady of the week has written two books about her life in the B-movie industry, "Bio & Chainsaw" and "I'm Screaming as Fast as I Can". I speak of Linnea Quigley. Chances are, ladies if you are reading this and you are over the age of 30, your man has seen this girl nude more than a few times. It is with the Halloween season in full swing I bring you Linnea Quigley Week.

Enjoy.

Fer sure!